Friday, May 5, 2006 (12:28 a.m.)

Long time no blog.

University, I must say, doesn't seem all that different from high school like they make it out to be. As always, this may be just me. In fact, I feel a regression almost; it feels more like year 7-9 than it does my senior years. I think it might be the pacing and the knowing exact marks. I'm not sure. But right now, it really resembles that time of my life, except with less babysitting and more hours.

Shortly after starting my course, I regretted my decision and thought of Arts/Law. Typical though, wanting what I can't have. But anyway, I've stuck with it, and it's not too bad. I've also been telling myself now that I need only pass, but I'm trying to aim for perfect marks. I don't hate it, but I can't help feeling that I'm moving further away from the things I truly want. Then again, it might just be me wanting that which I cannot.

Wednesday, March 8, 2006 (08:44 p.m.)

Nerdrant.

Argh. Today was my first prac, and it was chem, and it was titrations, so all would seem good. I kind of rushed it, and on my way home, slowly realised all the mistakes I had made. No, not just one, but several. It was not my titration technique that I was worried about (hell, I did enter a competition), but the calculations. I slowly came to realise that I had used the mass value as opposed to the volume in my calculations of concentration etc (AHFUCKI'MADUMBARSE) which resulted in cumulative errors. Also, I used the stated 10.00ml instead of the volume that was calculated and I somehow divided something by an extra 10. And that was like, all the calculations and answers that we had to do. I'm really kicking myself at the moment; gettting off to a great start aren't I? I'll probably end up getting like a D or something for that if I'm lucky... so embarrassing. I probably failed. Also embarrassing: during chem lecture, I put my hand up for thinking this molecule was an R enantiometer when it wasn't. I hate being stupid. Argh. ARGH. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

/Nerdrant.

I met an old primary school friend on the train today. It was mostly very cool. :)

Man I'm a fucktard. >___<

Saturday, March 4, 2006 (09:04 p.m.)

I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Uni has started, and well, I don't really like it so much. I am totally lost in physics and already, am getting annoyed with people. To my horror, I believe that I am becoming a worse person that I am/was.

A few minutes ago, JY asked me if she had changed. Guessing that she wanted a 'yes' (since she talks about changing so much), and guessing that she had changed somehow (if only physically - as since I haven't been hanging around her so much, I can't say if she is still as volatile as I've known her to be), I said 'yes'; and then when probed, 'in a good way'. Disliking these kind of questions and being sarcastic, I threw back at her "Have I changed?". Her answer was not really; that I was pretty much the same. When I then asked if this was a good thing, she said 'I think you will undergo a transformation in uni". At first, I was rather peeved, as I had accomodated her yet she had almost insulted me: she always talks of change as a process whereby you realise your mistakes and improve yourself. She often talks about how she herself has changed and how she now realises some fact of life or other. So for her to say to me that I hadn't changed, how else could I take it but to mean that I had made no progress in becoming a better person? After this initial anger, however, I then came to the chilling thought that this might in fact, be true.

While JY herself is one of the more flawed people I know (flawed as in having (rather prominent) qualities that several people have identified and deemed negative), at least she, and other 'flawed' people, has some redeeming qualities. Whether the good negate the bad is another matter. I, navel-gazing, have found myself to have had less strongly negative qualities than some, yet no redeeming features.

I got a haircut today. My fringe looks weird.

I've negotiated my timetable into having Tuesdays off. However, there are still three 8am starts with 5pm finishes. I am considering crashing lectures (so that I can arrive at 10), but being the conditioned drone I am, have reservations about this. Everyone's doing all different things; I barely see anyone... But that's another rant for another day. Gotta go study physics.

Friday, February 10, 2006 (01:33 p.m.)

Hmm...

I went to the Katrina and the Twins' 18th birthday party on Sunday. Alas, I slept in (I'm still kicking myself) and arrived late. Anyway, 'twas fun. I was glad that it was a party with games and such, as opposed to the parties that young people have nowadays involving music, standing around, and drinking. Kudos to them for a great time.

We discovered something bad on Tuesday. Not surprising, all things considered, but very disappointing. It's like we officially have a 'problem' now. I don't want to say anything about it, really. Well, I kind of do, but maybe not on the Internet. I'll just say that the $300 was a sign.

But I confronted the issue this morning, and speaking it did make me feel a little better... but who knows what will happen in the future.

My family seems to be in a kind of rut right now, and it seems like a 'no way out' kind of situation. I hope someone does something soon. I for one, can only continue to live as I am and go to uni. Thus ends the angst of this entry.

I finished Ulysses. Once I got over the trying to understand every single part thing, it was alright. While it's undoubtedly a clever book, it was sometimes charmingly witty and sometimes highly pretentious. I mean, seriously, whose inner monologue includes rants about the diaphane and the adiaphane in and ineluctable modality of the visible and thought of thought of thought et al.? *Sigh* But I liked how mood was portrayed; kind of like getting the gist of something... I don't know. It was damn hard to read and I knew while reading it that I wasn't well read enough to appreciate all the cleverness that Joyce included (eg. Hamlet stuff, but mostly language things). There was one chapter that seemed to be on crack, yet kind of worked, and near the end of it I was obsessing over drawing Stephen so hmm, I guess it lost some effect. Large portions of the book were rather boring. Actually, most of it. But now and again there would be a spark of something, so yeah... I thought the ending was 'typical' though. Well, maybe not typical, but kind of cliched? I'm not sure... I mean cliched in the typical 'trying to be deep' way... yes. All in all, I guess I can understand why it's so acclaimed; however, I didn't like having to drag myself through it: it was hard to read and often rambly and boring and pretentious and ugh. But it does have its redeeming features.

I've changed the layout, if anyone has noticed. I'm thinking about moving from Pitas so I can get a commenting thing without the tag-board + pop-ups. Yeah.

Monday, January 30, 2006 (08:53 p.m.)

Today, Emily, Min-Hui and I went to see 'Brokeback Mountain... it was really good. At first I had a bit of trouble trying to relate to the characters: how they're getting a new job, meeting new people... my problem was that I knew that they would eventually jump each other :P, so it was hard for me to picture them as innocent men when they first met. It was so beautiful, yet also so sad, and always grounded in reality. It would have been so much easier for them had they been born in the eighties or something... yeah, but it's a fictional story and stuff so I shouldn't be feeling this. Hmm, nevertheless, I really liked this movie. There was a feel of melancholy about it, and possibly desperation, that reminded me of 'Nobody Knows'. I'd recommend this film to most people. Anyone who can take the idea of seeing "that gay cowboy movie" ought to do so. Those who aren't interested probably wouldn't enjoy it anyway. And, I don't know, I kind of thought they made a cute couple :P

My parents would probably kill me if they knew I watched that gay cowboy movie.

I wanted to rant about the day before yesterday.. I went to sleep early and then was later woken by my mother who entered my room and turned on the light. She proceeded to tell me that she was putting my clothes on my chair in a loud voice, and when I started waking up, kept asking me if I had brushed my teeth until I finally said yes. She left. Then I realised how pissed I'd become. Not only had I been awoken, but I also felt really insulted about her question. I mean, what the hell am I? Eight? Honestly... I got up and went to the toilet etc., and made up my mind to complain to her. Then I walked to the front of her room and saw her sitting on the bed, using that massage machine thing. Something inside me broke, and I went back to bed.

My parents seem so trapped... my mother more so than my father. We don't know what he's even doing any more. All money he earns goes to himself, so in essence, it is my mother who has to pay for all our expenses. On top of that, she also does all the housework, like cooking. My father does nothing. Neither do we, I must admit, but we help out sometimes, and we are, after all, still studying.

It just seems unfair.

Anyway, I had an enjoyable day today with mes amies. Until I started remembering that crap. *sigh*

Friday, January 20, 2006 (04:22 a.m.)

MENTAL NOTE TO SELF:

Stay away from people that Suck/It's your own goddamn fault.

Friday, January 20, 2006 (03:32 a.m.)

Hmm... after all this time, gunning for Optometry... I finally got in =D !! Ironically, now I'm not so sure about it. Hmm, like I'd kind of assumed I wouldn't get in, so I prepared myself for doing Commerce/Law.. then I thought, hey, Arts/Law would be cool to do... so now I want to do that XD But not the law part. But hmm... looks like I'll be doing Optom (yay...). I got my enrolment stuff today, and it looks somewhat confusing and intimidating. I'm the only person I know doing the course so I hope I can get to meet people and stuff. Enrolment's on Monday, so we'll see how things go then.

I cried yesterday, after a petty argument. Wasn't so much the argument as me letting myself make a big deal of it. I haven't cried in months. God it felt good.

Hmm, I've been going out moderately with friends.. I realise my last post sounded rather harsh. I've grown fond of my friends, and knowing them better, despite their faults, I find I like them anyway XD Alas, not the same thing can be said for all people.

Hmm... but now that I'm certain I'll be doing Optometry, I've been thinking: yes, I'll probably end up with a steady job and whatnot, but now I'm worried I'll never achieve anything so fulfilling, anything 'great'. So I've started drawing anime stuff again... to find something.... started yet another project with Min-Hui, as well as an empire.

Can't stand Ulysses. I can now understand Virigina Woolf's comment on Joyce being "a college student scratching his pimples" or whatever. The book, despite being incoherent and thus hard to follow (with several words not being found in the dictionary - although I guess time differences could explain that), screams LOOKATME!! I'M DEEP!!! So yeah... I ought to finish it though... so far I've read... 50 pages...

Part of me feels dead inside. But I also feel as if I'm on the brink of something new.

Saturday, December 31, 2005 (11:38 p.m.)

Well, well, well. Here we are the end of yet another year, and I, like so many others, feel compelled to record something of it just before the new one starts. My reflections on this year? I am not sure. Personally, I do not feel I have changed so much inside. I am glad yet also saddened to be finished with highschool - university awaits me. I am a sentimental fool. But after everything, I realise now that I haven't experienced that which I thought I would. In primary school, just before starting highschool, I expected certain things to happen. Things like a first kiss and a boyfriend. I feel as if I have missed opportunities but I ultimately have no regrets about this. I am happy with the choices I have made - perhaps the best way to deal with past events. Be happy with them. I feel I have grown weaker, less hotheaded. Not through virtue or personal growth but through laziness, a feeling of apathy. I feel as if I never really made the strong connections I had hoped to make during this time in my life. I have few friends whom I can call true friends - with whom there are no awkward silences or distrust. But even with these people, I am not sure they feel the same way. But I do appreciate them. I have found myself resenting others for their faults, faults which can only be changed from within - that can perhaps be brought to their owners' attention with no less than harsh words and actions. But due to their faults, such acts would no doubt be miscontrued and painful. I for one, am not brave enough to do this. I find my relationship with my father becoming worse. I try to avoid him and I find myself detesting him more and more each day. I find that my life seems in somewhat of a bind, no way out of current situations, current cycles. My mother has been fairly much the breadwinner and the housekeeper of our home. No one knows what my father is doing any more. All the money he earns now he keeps for himself. My mother is left running the house and paying the bills.

At school, I found myself somewhat restricted. I was either too shy to talk to people, or put off people when I tried to be otherwise. Most of all, I found myself restricted by my social group - I enjoy them, but at times, this seemed to prevent me from reaching out to others. But then, there was also the fact that with this year's people particularly, my reputation of being "the girl that .... likes/d" preceded me. And sometimes, when people spoke to me, I could see it in their eyes. I found that this made it hard for me to talk to people. This was especially the case with many guys.

I talked to Clement a lot (internet) during this year - relatively frequently anyway, more than many others, and through him I came to understand people better. Although unfortunately for me, what I learned from him was how to cater to people's wants (what he does) - helping me to get along more easily with people, but leaving me empty inside.

Lately, I have found myself exasperated with people, such as several of my friends, but now I have come to a tolerance or acceptance. I enjoy their company and with them do the typical 'friend' things. However, I do not really expect any deeper relationship than that. So far, the people I would most easily call friends are Min-Hui and Stephanie. But these relationships too seem tenuous, as I shall be leaving them next year.

2005 has been a year of big news, none of which really surprise me. What comes to my mind is the execution of Van Nguyen, Hurricane Katrina and the race riots in Sydney. All of these things contribute to the jumble that is our world today. I myself feel too disillusioned to do anything. Whatever I feel is fleeting.

This year has been much like the others, with its own happy/fun moments and its blue ones. The bittersweet nature of life here is compounded with my leaving UHS.

Farewell, and adieu, 2005.

Happy New Year.